Thursday, October 21, 2010

Haute Mom Dilemma #17 ~ In the Heat of the Fight

For any of you other haute moms out there who read the gossip mags, divorce seems to be a common headline lately. Some of our long standing couples have been calling it splitsville, which is always a reminder that it takes more than money and nannies to make a marriage work. We all know that marriage is tough and that arguments happen.

The hubby and I got into one of our more heated arguments the other day. This was one of our first since Stella was born. In the past, I must admit that we would sometimes fight so loudly that our dog would shake. The dog is slightly more neurotic than she should be but that is no excuse. This was one of those fights. My hubby and I are both strong-willed and stubborn which is the perfect recipe for those loud, blown out fights.

We started arguing about a very common topic, money. Money then turned into everything under the sun including who does the dishes more (I do, of course). The thing that is the most troublesome is that Stella was awake and in my hubby's arms during the fight. I had to ask him to stop shouting while he was holding her. He stopped, but not right away. It broke my heart to watch Stella furrow her little brow and look back and forth at us wondering what was happening. She didn't cry but her eyes started to tear up. My dog was shaking.

I had to take Stella and remove myself from the room to stop the fight. For us, time alone helps us cool down until we can talk about things. I felt extremely guilty and sad that this had just happened. Not because of our fight but because we had just subjected Stella to this kind of environment.

So here is the dilemma. We are both stubborn people and get heated very easily. We are going to argue. How can I avoid this from happening? I remember my parents fighting and I can't say that it scarred me, but we all know that this isn't a healthy situation for children to be in. I am going to assume that since my dog can sense tension and anger, my little baby can. She was exteremely clingy and fussy the rest of the day.

What are some tactics that we can use when we are in the heat of the moment to prevent this from happening? Will having a rule of not fighting in front of the baby be enough? Does this happen to every couple, or are we shaping up to be bad parents? I know the dynamics of my husband and I. We have such a hard time stepping away from a fight when we are heated. I hope that our love and dedication to our baby will see that any argument can wait until there is a more appropriate way for us to discuss things.

14 comments:

  1. Hello! I am a new follower thanks to the Friendly Friday Follow! I look forward to reading your blog!

    You can find me at kennedymomandwife.blogspot.com. Hope you stop by!

    Have a great weekend!
    Crystal
    My Life as Mom and Wife

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  2. I am now following you thanks to Keeping Company Thursday, and it would be nice if you could share the love back on my blog;)
    Also today we have the coolest blog hop there is... no rules just fun and would love you to join in with us at Boost My Blog Friday :) Plus, don't forget, if you need any help increasing your blog's traffic, easy blog design tutorials or want to join our retro giveaway while it lasts, you know where to come! Happy Friday!

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  3. Positive Kismet - Following you from Social Parade Blog Hop!
    Have a great weekend ahead!
    Elizabeth

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  4. I am no expert here, but maybe you both can come to agreement to never argue in front of the baby. I agree with you that if the dog can sense the tension that she can too. I know you both love your little girl so hopefully this will work. Good luck and have a great weekend.

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  5. I am a new follower.
    Would love for you to return the favor.
    Nancy
    www.findingblessingsineverydaylife.blogspot.coom

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  6. I can't believe all the comments are other moms trying to get you to follow their blogs! Really people?
    Kelly I love your blog, and you are a very talented write. Super relatable!
    I don't have advice as I don't have kids myself aside from my doggie, but I know that must be a normal occurance for new parents. Having gone this long without a blow up is probably a feat in itself!
    I would give yourself a pat on the back for having the sense to even recognize that you need to rectify this behaviors and taking steps to avoid it in the future. Kudos and hugs to you and the fam!

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  7. Your design is so cute! I am your newest Follower from Fun Follow Friday!
    The Neuff

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  8. I'm following from Fun Follow Friday. www.jandshoughton.blogspot.com

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  9. You my husband is non-confrontational, (the disagreements usually start because of something I've said). So, I don't even bring up topics that might lead to an argument unless Zavier is asleep, (money, sex, in-laws, work, etc). Because I wanna say what I wanna say, but at the same time I don't want my son to grow up watching his parents argue. You know yourself and your husband and you know what will agitate both of you...just a though

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  10. seems to me you handled it quite well...and honestly, arguing is a good thing. It's just how you communicate and you're better communicating than not communicating. Maybe next time when you're arguing, just do it in a whisper! I bet that dissipates the hurt feelings really fast! Good luck!

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  11. I think walking away with your child was the best thing for the moment (i've done it myself!). Other than that, I unfortunately don't have any advice...but best of luck, and you did the best you could in that situation.

    Love,
    C:)
    http://mbcscrapbooking.blogspot.com
    Scrapbook tutorials and digital design

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  12. Following from Saturday Spotlight Blog hop.
    Thanks
    Barbara

    http://couponscouponsandmorecoupons.blogspot.com/

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  13. well you know joe---a pretty loud and passionate guy, so same holds true when we are in disagreement about something. it was a while before our first big argument too, and i remember when it started getting heated i just said HOLD ON...then i strapped the little one into his little eating seat (he could never get out), turned on sesame street..a bit louder than usual, and we went in the other room to hash through things. now he's older and that may not be as easy, but it worked for us then!

    i agree that it's good for kids to see parents disagree AND come to resolution, but harsh words and highly raised voices are not a good thing, and they do bring tension to everyone...so i say either avoid the super loud tones and put-downs if you can, or secure her somewhere she's happy and oblivious and get down to the problem in another space...i'll reiterate that this is only good if there is a super safe situation to put her in away from the 2 of you. this also won't work if she's really clingy. the only other thing i've done is say i won't do this right now, and walk away...then we can continue after bedtime if it's something that needs to be hashed through. that's my .02! good mama for being concerned about that...my dogs have the SAME response! :-)

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  14. I think removing your baby and walking away is the best thing to diffuse a heated argument. You did the right thing. Within any relationship, disagreements are going to happen and we can't plan, too precisely, when and how they are going to happen. It's unfortunate that our children sometimes witnesses these things but you are a good mom and very devoted to your baby. That outweighs all else!

    As moms, we want to shield our children from anything unpleasant. I think that disagreements can actually be beneficial for older children to witness as long as the argument is not too heated or too loud and there are no personal attacks on each other. Older children can see that conflict is a normal part of life. They will learn that people who love each other don't always get along but the love is always there. If you deal with the disagreement and each person treats the other with respect, children will learn how to manage and resolve conflicts. This is an extremely valuable lesson that children will most definitely need to apply in all aspects of life.

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