Haute Mom Dilemma #23 ~ Heading Back to Work

Today Stella has been quite the sleepy head! She slept about nine hours last night and is on her second, two hour nap of the day. Whether it is due to her teething or a growth spurt, I have had her resting on my chest, snuggling into me for almost four hours today.  The time with Stella is always enjoyable but today, this time is extra special to me.  As I write this blog, and kiss her little head, I am overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness.  It is time to go back to work.

I interviewed for that position that I shared weeks ago and got it!  So, I will not be returning to the seventh grade classroom, but will be working as a Teacher on Special Assignment in the Health Curriculum office.  The hours are slightly longer, but after much discussion with my hubby, family, and my new boss, I am confident that this will be an amazing position for me as a professional as well as a mom.  I have been anticipating this position for some time and now that the time is here, I am full of mixed emotions.  Starting this position also means it is time to leave my baby and head back to work full time and in the spring, being a new mommy with two jobs.  I will be working at the district full time and teaching classes at the university two nights a week.  I have worked so hard to get to where I am in my career, yet feel very strongly about letting something go so that I am home every night with my daughter.

There is so much thought that goes into whether or not to be a working mom.  I know that some don't have a choice, but we are in a position where, with some budgeting restraints, could have made things work with me staying home.  There are a number of goals my husband and I still have for our family, one of which is buying a new home and so we felt that my going back to work would help us achieve the things that we want in life.  I also know many moms who find themselves a little lost once their children are old enough to go to school and, being so career focused, did not want to lose my place with nothing to return to when the school years hit.  So, I am now brushing off my work clothes (which, I am excited to get back in to) and diving back in.  I hope it is a move I will be proud of and not one that I regret.

I found myself choked up while running errands without Stella yesterday because I wanted her with me.  I expect that these will be my feelings for the days to come as I get used to being away from her.  I am almost paralyzed when I think of going a full day without kissing her, hugging her, comforting her, and hearing her babble and laughter.  I pray that our nanny can comfort her like I do when she is fussy because her two bottom teeth are fighting their way through.  And, my biggest fear, is that we won't be as close as we are now; that our bond will be shaken.

In the grand scheme of things, I know that having seven months off with Stella is something that so many women dream of having.  I am so fortunate to have been able to spend that much time off with her.  I also know how lucky I am to be where I am in my career, where I have a number of opportunities available.  I remind myself that if I can find a balance, I will be a great role model for Stella as she gets older. I used to be a planner but my new haute mom role has taught me that sometimes, the highers that be have their own plans for you.  I am going to stay in the moment and let things unravel the way they were meant to be.  I am so thankful that I have had this time with my daughter and know that the time I do spend with her will be that much more special.

I will be bringing a box of kleenex with me (tucked in my pump bag) to catch the tears that may fall the first couple of weeks.  I have a new found respect for all of you haute moms who went back to work weeks after your little ones were born and you can add one more working mom to the bunch starting this Tuesday!
 

How can I leave this smiling face!?