Thursday, September 30, 2010

Haute Mom Dilemma #15 - Leaving A Piece of You Behind

I know that your entire mentality changes when you have children, especially your first one. I think about things that I have never thought about before, which is very wearing on my already OCD-type brain. I can't imagine what it does to my husband. I worry more about people on the road next to me now that I have precious cargo in the car. I worry about leaving Stella and driving a distance too far away to get back to her quickly. I worry about the sun, the wind, the rain, how loud something is, and people smoking around me. I worry about what I eat because I am nursing and want to make sure Stella is getting enough nutrients. I even worry about going to the gas station (I haven't pumped gas since before I was pregnant thanks to my hubby). I had a small scare a few months ago when my doctor found cysts on my thyroid. CYSTS - what a scary word. It launched me into a new line of thoughts, specifically about who would care for Stella if something happened to me. Would my husband be capable of raising her on his own? What is something happened to the both of us? What could I do now to make sure that Stella was able to inherit all of life's lessons that I have waiting for her? I now am going through another scare. I found a lump in that dreaded female area and originally thought it was a clogged milk duct. This was quickly answered when my doctor shook her head and stated that a clogged duct would feel different than what I was experiencing. I have a follow up appointment in a week. My thought for this post was to kick off Breast Cancer Awareness month as I have seen an increasing number of younger women being diagnosed with breast cancer. I know how busy us moms can be and wanted to dedicate all of my October posts to creating awarenes for all you haute moms out there. I never thought that this would be something I would be going through at this point in time. I go back to those dark thoughts of how I can leave a part of me behind if something should happen to me. What are some ways I can be sure Stella hears my voice growing up if for some reason I can't always be here? I am sure that my next appointment will be fine and whatever it is will be something simple, only made serious by my own mind. That aside, I see now how important some things are to think about when you have a part of you that you will one day leave behind. Do all moms go through this or do I belong in the crazy house?

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month - 25 years!


  1. Now following you. I hope that you get a good report! -Sarah

  2. while i can't answer from experience, i don't think you are alone in these thoughts. you are now responsible for another human being. i think it's natural to ponder your own mortality, and to wonder about Stella's future should something happen. lots of movies and tv shows ("Raising Hope", "Life As We Know It") are being advertised with the same premise, so i'm sure that is contributing.
    love you, and i will have you on my mind!

  3. you're absolutely not the only one! in fact i'd venture to say that i'm worse in this department...having these thoughts when it was just us and the dogs! it got so bad i went to therapy for a while to help clear up my thoughts. i loved therapy for that :) anyways--i totally get that. as for your scare, who knows what it is, but you found it and now you can go on and get it all figured out...good for you for going right in to get it checked out. i'll keep you in my thoughts for sure. i have a blog too that i've had for years but never really publicized it. let me know if you want the link, then you'll be able to see all the crazy things that have wandered through my'll probably feel better :)

  4. You are definitely not crazy and I think as parents we should think about these things. We have guardians for our little ones and we chose people that would be our voice if that were to ever happen. My grandmother died from what started as Breast Cancer and one of my very close friends had her mother die from Breast Cancer. I know that they think about these things from a different perspective and I think about it whenever I think of something that I know my grandmother would have known and I would have called her because we were close. This is a great thing to blog about!

    Thank you for sharing your totally non-crazy thoughts.

    new follower from Bloggy Moms!

  5. Time and growth in my confidence as a parent has really helped me worry less. It is completely normal :) Sending positive energy your way!

  6. not ready for the crazy house yet :) hoping for a good report for you!

  7. I'm following you now.

  8. I know exactly where you're coming from here. I always find myself urging hubby to drive carefully when we're all in the car... as if he drove wrecklessly before! (truth be told he's the most boringly sensible driver on the planet!)

    Brilliant idea to raise awareness of breast cancer through your blog too. I almost lost an aunt to it recently but she is kicking butt and well on her way to full recovery now.

    (found you via bloggymoms follow me I follow you. I am which I hope may offer you some light hearted relief if you ever have time for such things!)

  9. You certainly aren't the only one!! I think about this stuff way way way too much (and it doesn't help that my 4 year old is in that phase when she's very curious and concerned about death).
    I actually had a similar scare when pregnant with my 2nd child. I found a lump when I was about 6 months pregnant. I had to wait until he was 4 months old before getting a mammogram and eventually a biopsy. They still don't know what it is but it isn't malignant. I still feel it--it hasn't changed in size, which is a good thing--but it is always in the back of my mind. What if they were wrong?
    But one thing that my husband and I did that made us feel better was to take out life insurance policies. We also wrote our wills and assigned guardians for our children and trusts for their caretaking should the unthinkable ever happen.
    I didn't mean to sound like such a downer with this post! But know that in the end, everything was ok with me and I am sure it will be with you, too. My heart goes out to you. I know flutiefan will keep me posted.

  10. Most mother's feel the same way you do, so don't worry... ur not crazy!


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