There was a good amount of time where I think I kind of fought being a parent. I was super excited when Stella was born but I can now admit that there was a part of me that didn't want to let go of my old life. Maybe I just didn't know how.
I am one of those people that always seems to want more. My hubby says I will never be satisfied. I don't think this is a bad thing. I love my jobs, being with friends, and staying busy. I can never sit still. When Stella was born, I was still determined to maintain my "old" lifestyle by keeping both of my jobs and a social life. I could juggle it all. I was the queen of multi-tasking.
Let's fast forward to the present; almost two years later. Things have changed. I am now five months pregnant with my second child and do NOTHING while I am at home except clean and give Stella my full and undivided attention. Work at home? No way. I do not watch TV when she is awake, I do not get on the computer, and I truly try to limit my cell phone game (darn you Words With Friends and Draw Something.) I have come to learn that the most important thing is to spend time with Stella. What little free time I do have should be fully devoted to my child (sorry hubby.) Some my disagree with me and maybe not all children need this. Stella's mood and behavior shows me that my undivided attention when I am with her is exactly what she needs and enjoys. The story times, the songs we sing, and the endless games of "matching" that we play is when we find her the most happy.
I know that this isn't possible all of the time. Sure, there are dishes to be done, food to be cooked and so forth but when I do have down time, it does not need to be spent watching TV or reading or texting on the phone when I can spend quality time with Stella. Is it difficult to do? Of course it is. There are many things that go on in my mind including the endless lists of things to do. But, I have learned to tune them out. Because in the end, I am happiest knowing that although there may be dirty dishes in the sink, I spent an hour of my free time with my child. I won't remember doing the dishes but I will remember that time. And so will Stella.
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